*Some* of my story...

Sometimes I feel like I don't have a testimony.... I know intellectually this is not true and yet...

I was raised in Christian home all my life.  I never strayed far from my Jesus.  Always believing.  Always following.  Even if sometimes it was more going through the motions. Now feels like one of those times if I am honest.  This past year or two has been a hard period for several reasons leaving me feeling a bit like a fake and fraud.

But anyway...let me back up a little bit.  A week ago at church I was asked to be part of the announcement for a Faith Share training event our Church was doing last night.  (An event I was not sure I even wanted to attend mine you).  But I said yes because all I had to do was hold a sign- one side saying a struggle and the other side saying God's answer...before service was even done I knew the words for my sign.  All the while the enemy whispering doubt to my heart- what if its not true... you are kidding yourself...its all a sham.  

But I did it anyway-

I still wasn't sure I wanted to go to the event. 

Wouldn't you know it- my SS lessons this month is in Acts talking about receiving the Holy Spirit and being Jesus witness in the world.

This week in the service we had a group from Deaf New Americans. They are going to be using our field for their farm nonprofit that helps feed deaf refugees.  It was very interesting to learn about.  The first lady who spoke (or signed as the case maybe) was so excited that we are an Acts 1:8 church.  What did that even mean!? BUT I quickly realized it was the very verse we looked up in Sunday School.  It was another nudge to go to the meeting last night. So with much anxiety and trepidation. I did.

I wish I could say I was filled with the Holy Spirit and left burning to tell my story.  I did not.  In fact I left feeling a little defeated and discouraged. 

So here we are back to where I was at the beginning of this post.  I can't tell my story.  I'm afraid to tell my story.  Afraid it will show I'm a fraud.  If I'm honest somedays I struggle to even pray.  WHY????? I love the Lord with all my heart.  I love the Bible. I love my church.  Why is it so hard?  I struggle to even have normal conversations with people let alone meaningful conversations  sharing  my faith.  My adult kids have walked away from church and I feel like a failure. 💔 I feel disconnected and alone.

In our role-playing or as they reframed it "Fun Exchange of Ideas" time I ended up being paired with my Dad.  Did we role play? No. Did we practice sharing our stories with each other. No.  But I shared with him a little of my heart and that I find it hard to even say- Hey- I'm praying for you! (to a non-christian or coworker) even though I KNOW how POWERFUL prayer is!!

My Dad validated me. It is hard he said and we Nemitz's come from a line of quiet stock.  My Dad who is an amazing teacher and preacher and to me the epitome of a Godly man said he struggled too. There were times when he was even embarrassed to be singled out as a Christian at work. 

So while I did not share my story last night I am working on figuring it out.  Here are a couple little God winks I always remember and treasure...

Way back when I was leaving home for the very first time. I was a young wife and mom and we were moving to the other side of the country. At the time I was using a devotional on mothering that I randomly came across on a Barnes and Noble trip.  One day I flipped it over to the back and discovered in the author's blurb that she was Yuma AZ, the exact town we were moving to.  A town I had never heard of before this.  It was like a hug from God saying- Hey I got you. I know where you are going and I'll be there too.

Another time was again moving from "home".  While Rhett was in Iraq the kids and I came back to NY. Once he was back stateside we were preparing to move to Virginia.  I didn't want to leave my community again. One day I was out shopping and running errands with Ryan (he was just over one year old)  while Mikayla (4) was in preschool. I was driving back to the church to pick her up.  Feeling so anxious about our impending move.  I glanced in the mirror to see Ryan peacefully fast asleep and in that moment God's peace covered me. I could physically feel it. I knew He was assuring me it would be ok... he'd be with me in Virginia too.

*Deep Breath.*

My story regarding the sign I held in church yesterday. The short version. A few years back our marriage was in shambles.  Shortly after our 19th anniversary Rhett told me he didn't want to be married to me any more. It was one of the darkest times of my life.  He physically left our home and went to stay with his dad. 

God was definitely with me in that time.  My family was with me.  My Church family was with me. They poured out love and support and prayers for me and my family. I was in God's word constantly, I took my Bible everywhere.  I physically had to have it near me.  I even slept with it- when I did sleep. I never prayed so hard in all my life. Every morning I wrote the word H💗PE on my left wrist.

On the morning Rhett was picking up Mikayla from Houghton for Christmas break, I was sitting at my kitchen table, my sanctuary I remember looking at the door frames that Eva had anointed with oil, blessed and prayed over when we moved into that house. Reminding me that this too was the Lord's House and his Spirit was HERE. I said out loud to the Devil- you are not going to win this. You can not have MY Husband.

That very day Rhett came home. Home for good and God began the hard, hard work of restoring our marriage. This past October we celebrated our 25th anniversary. Sometimes I still feel scared and lonely.  Sometimes I can't be the person I want to be in my head.  Sometimes I fail as a wife and mom. Sometimes our marriage still doesn't look like I *wish* it did.  But neither is our story over.  God's still working on us.  For that I am truly thankful.

don't give up

I'm tired and discouraged today. So tired. My heart is weary and yet even as I type I am convicted because God says...

• My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness. 2 Corinthians  12:9
• Do not grow weary of doing good, for at the proper time you will reap a harvest if you do not give up. Galatians 6:9 (Emphasis added).
• We wait in HOPE for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. Psalm 33:20
• Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 14:6

Last night at Mom's Connect we talked about Grace and prayer. Specific Prayers. With boldness and confidence. 

I was reminded of my job, and what a specific timely answer to prayer it was.  God granted my hearts desire, things I thought were impossible.

The following is an excerpt from my blog just before my first interview for the job I now have. I job that was a specific answer to prayer. Oh I had to wait and the journey to it was hard and discouraging- but God saw me through and gave me the desires of my heart- I have to believe he can do it again.

This week frustration and despair has threatened to take over again. Yet I continue to cling to hope. Thursday while I was out for a run I got a call about an opportunity. One I am excited and hopeful about. I have an interview on Tuesday and would truly appreciate your prayers.
For close to a year now the idea of a new job has been on the table. Since summer I have been seeking one in earnest to no avail. It's discouraging and frustrating.
Yet, God keeps whispering his promises to my heart. Trust. Believe. Good things are out there.
The desire of my heart is to find a job close to home. One that is flexible enough I can be available to my children if need be. I don't care how old they are, always I will be mommy first. One that will not require to put Hannah in before school child care. One that will still be "enough". It seems impossible.
And yet this morning in my devo I was remind... Nothing is impossible with God. So I pray. I hope. I believe.

So today I am trying to once again trust God. To hold onto HOPE but also let go of my expectations.  I feel lost and alone. But I am not.

"As prayer warriors, we must remember that no matter how hopeless a situations may appear to us, God gives us power in prayer to do something about it. We maybe overwhelmed by it, but God is not. We may not see a way out, but God can. Because of Him, we can make difference!" 

{Prayer Warrior, pp 17}